Do You Listen To Your Head or Your Heart?

An interesting thought occurred to me today. When you’re about to make an important, even life altering decision, do you listen to your head or your heart?

Although most would like to believe that the world is black and white, I have found that this is not the case most of the time. There is a huge amount of gray area. Only a handful of decisions we make can be made without a second thought. But what about those that do need the second thought? Perhaps even a third or fourth? The biggest problem I seem to have with making these epic decisions is that I have a fear of making the wrong decision. If I listen to my head and fail, then I lose confidence in my competence. If I listen to my heart and fail, I lose faith in myself. From my own experiences, using my head has usually given me the safe choice, while following my heart has given me either enormous joy or the greatest tragedies. How do you decide whether to listen to your head (logic), or your heart (gut instinct)? I would like to believe that I have learned that you need a balance of both. However, there are still that handful of decisions where my head says one thing and my heart tells me the complete opposite. What do I do in those situations?

Song of the Moment: Adele – Fool That I Am

*I unfortunately couldn’t find the original version by Etta James. Please accept my apologies.

Reality.

Song of the moment: The Notorious B.I.G. – Juicy

Reality hurts. This is probably why most of us chooses to live in a fantasy; under false confidence, delusional beliefs in ones ability, whatever else your “fantasy” life may be. And of course, it’s not all that bad in the beginning, it can actually be great! However, there comes a time when you run into a wall and reality starts to set in.

So what is my point? It’s easy to stay in a bubble, hoping that it will never pop, but what do you do when it does? A few things that I learned this past month: After the dust has settled, step back and look at the big picture. Analyze everything that had happened and it will lead you to why the last event happened. Time heals all. Learn from your experiences and encourage yourself to grow, because without growth, what’s the point? Keep your friends close, they will help you get through it.

It was hard to accept reality at first, but now I understand why and it gives me peace of mind.

p.s. When it’s hard to accept reality, remember the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Thankful.

You know when it’s just one of those days and you don’t want to wake up? I had one of those today. One thing led to another and I was just full of wrath and anger. I wanted to break something or punch a hole in the wall but instead, I called a friend. Just talking about my problems gave me a great sense of relief. There’s not much more to write about. All I wanted to say is that I’m thankful for having someone who has my back and is willing to let me vent

p.s. Thanks Kirin… homeboys for life!

Mistakes.

I am completely and utterly “terrified, mortified, petrified, and stupified” of making mistakes; at least the bigger, life altering ones. My whole life, Moms and Pops have been lecturing me on the right ways to live. Most of the time, because of the cultural and language barriers, I would have no idea of what they were trying to say to me. Other times when I did understand, I tended to ignore their warnings just because I didn’t think they actually knew what my situation was or knew what they were talking about. Usually, they were right and I was wrong. I would put myself out there thinking I had all the angles covered and that nothing could possibly go wrong. Then I would proceed to get mercilessly shot down anyway. Why is it that I have to learn things the hard way? After so many years of doing so, I began to make my situations worse. When it came down to making an important decision, instead of making a final decision and doing the damn thing, I’d try to analyze every angle hoping to find the perfect method. This usually led to me either sitting on my hands or twiddling my thumbs around because I was too scared to make a mistake and looking like a fool. Little did I know, by doing nothing and taking the back seat was an even bigger mistake than taking the drivers seat and I was looking more foolish with every step of the way.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life thinking “what if?” Mistake or not, it is important to follow through on your decisions with conviction. Besides, making mistakes aren’t all that bad. I’ve learned so many beautiful things about life because of the “mistakes” I had made. After all, knowing is better than wondering, am I right?

Perspective.

Occasionally, I have lunch with Pastor Park at Pho 99 close to La Sierra University. While we were eating, he asked me what my plans were for the future, and I proceeded to tell him what I planned on doing this year and my concerns were that I felt time was running out for me. The next sentence that came out of his mouth kind of took me by surprise. “Don’t worry. You’re still young” he tells me. I spend most of my time with people that are my age with a deviation of +/- 3 years. We always tell each other how old we’re getting and how old we feel. However, whenever I spend time with people over 30, such as my pastor, they always say the same thing when I tell them I’m 23, “You’re so young!”

I wonder where I got the idea that I was getting “old”. Seriously thinking about it, if I feel old now, how the heck am I going to feel when I’m 40? (Uh oh… I sense a horrible mid-life crisis in my future…) The fact of the matter is, I need to realize that I am still young and I still have a lot of time left and at the same time, not to piss away my opportunities. I’m so busy focusing on the little things that I don’t have a sense of the big picture. Of course, I should do well in my classes, get to know the professors, get tons of shadowing and volunteer hours, but is that all there is to life? It wouldn’t be the end of the world if my plans for this year didn’t come through. Life will still go on and other opportunities will present themselves. There are so many opportunities out there, but because its so easy for me to get hung up on the little things, I tend to miss those opportunities and I refuse to do that from this point on.

Recently, I started reading The Alchemist, and there’s a story in the beginning of the book that perfectly illustrates what I’m trying to convey in this post:

To make things short, a wise man gives a boy a spoon with a few drops of oil and tells him to wander around his castle making sure that the oil wasn’t dropped. The boy did this and returned, the man asked him if he saw the beautiful things in and around his castle. The boy tells him he observed nothing and the wise man told him go out again and see the beauty around him. The boy does as he is told and when he returns, the wise man asks what happened to the oil. The boy had observed the many wonderful things, but the oil had dropped from the spoon. Then the wise man says, “Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you. The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world, and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon.”

The lesson learned is, it’s important to focus on the little things, but it’s equally as important to see the big picture and take every opportunity that comes your way.

p.s. Thank you pastor, and every older and wise person who put things into perspective!

p.s.#2: Luke 12:22-34

Goal Progression.

Song of the moment: Frank Sinatra – Someone to Watch Over Me

Everyone likes to see results and I am not afraid to admit that I am one of them. However, somewhere along the line, I just stopped caring. If I didn’t get what it was that I wanted, I just brushed it aside and moved on with my life waiting for the next opportunity. I suppose that’s how my storied college journey brought me to where I am today. However, I felt a bit different at the beginning of the current academic year, a kind of sense of urgency. Fall quarter didn’t quite end the way I would have liked, but I am still proud of my work nonetheless. I probably fell short because I hadn’t established what I had wanted to do at the beginning of the quarter and let things play out the way they did without a real plan.

I decided for the Winter quarter that I needed to have more direction towards my goals. In order to do this, I wrote a few down on a piece of paper and I look at it every day. I don’t quite understand why, but this daily reminder, along with some other things, have been keeping me strong these past few weeks and I am finally seeing some results! Boy, does it feel good to know that I’m heading in the right direction and having a little sense of inner peace.

In the past, it was easier for me to not establish goals, because if you don’t set a goal, you can’t fail. I learned the hard way that you shouldn’t be afraid to fail because that’s the only way you’ll learn! I hope that I’ll continue to see good results and that I’ll learn from the bad ones from now on.

“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing.” – George Bernard Shaw

p.s. 4 weeks left. I know I should have been done with this goal by the end of the week, but the sloth in me emerged during winter break. My deepest apologies. Be prepared to be amazed!!

Sunday Brunch.

I am one of three boys in my family on my dad’s side (my mom’s side isn’t any better) and both of them are cousins! Growing up, I kind of felt like a loner at family gatherings because for one, there weren’t many guys to play with and two, the guys in my family are either considerably older or younger than I am. I basically grew up doing my own thing or hanging out with a bunch of girls, more of the former than the latter.

Sometimes, people ask me if I was close to my sisters, and I would honestly reply that I wasn’t. Most would ask me why, very curiously and almost showing a hint of disdain for my lack of sibling relationship, but I never had a solid answer for them. So this weekend, I tried something new. I made it one of my goals this year to spend more time with my family, especially my sisters and the opportunity came a knocking. Earlier today, my sisters and I met up with my cousin, Grace, for brunch at Anisette Brasserie in Santa Monica, CA. Here are some pictures!

House-Smoked Salmon Tartine

Brioche French Toast

Rotisserie Chicken Club

Benedict Annisette

Angel Food Cake – made by my sister

We also had some croissants but I forgot to take a picture of them. Good food, good company, I had a great time! But… then the conversations started rolling. You might think that I’m used to girl talk by now, growing up with girls all around, but I’m still not! Oh Lord… I won’t go into details about what the girls were jabbering about but let me tell you, I wasn’t feeling comfortable at all! I’m looking forward to more family outings such as this but maybe next time, I’ll bring a book to read while the girls have the talk session. Oi, now time to hit the Biology books… Until next time!

p.s. Thanks for inviting us out Grace!!

Appreciate each day.

The last couple weeks or so, I’ve been feeling a little blue. I tried hard to sweep those blues under the rug and to get through the day, but it has been a bit hard to do. Putting things into perspective, I was feeling so overwhelmed yesterday, I slept from 7pm to 8am. An amazing feat to say the least. To get to the point, it hit me that I was wasting my life by reacting the way I was. Some things happen that you cannot control, but it’s what you learn from your experiences that defines you as a person and helps you grow. I know now that the experiences prior to the event that caused my emotional drain wasn’t a waste of time at all. During that time, I learned some things about myself that I didn’t know before and that I have to put out my best effort and give my all, not just half of myself. I am truly grateful for being taught these lessons. I can confidently say that I am now hopeful for the future!

I want to end this entry with an essay my friend wrote. Forgive me if you have already read this. I posted this a few years back in another blog but I think it’s relevant to this entry.

What is life but merely a series of mundane events?

Is life a river? Or a timeline. A journey, perhaps.
No, I postulate that life is nothing but the world itself and the events that go on in it. It’s a pretty secular view for someone who attends Bible study and church weekly.

Think about it.

If you also believe that life is but merely a series of mundane events, then every day you live without living un-mundane events is a waste! Nothing but the purest form of waste. You are wasting time, which you are given limited amounts of, by performing more and more mundane tasks by believing promises others give you of future benefit – jobs, family, afterlife, or perhaps they didn’t even tell you why you’re doing it (or anything for that matter), perhaps you’re just going along with the flow – you’re going to school because the government tells you to, because your family tells you to, because it’s what everyone else is doing, because it’s what society has taught your mind is right to do.
Not saying school is bad, but why? Do you know why? Are you aware that every day you do absolutely nothing interesting, you will likely regret as you look back upon? Make your life rich, and interesting. Be it entertaining, and educational in the fullest sense of the word. Do things you have not, so that you may be happy that you did many different things by the time you are old as opposed to doing the same thing everyday. Do things you desperately want to do in the back of your mind despite whatever limitations you have set upon yourself! If you feel it is impossible, then try! And live your experience through the journey of failure – because no failure is guaranteed and perhaps you will succeed, or better yet live your life that much more full through the experience of failure.
Do not regret a day that goes by because a day of life truly wasted, in the grand scheme of things, is real tragedy.

p.s. My dad is on his way to Korea again for business. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you!

Happy Birthday my lovely Sister!!

The birthday girl!

My youngest sister, Stacey’s bomb cake making skills!

Happy birthday Jina!!

Changes.

Today in the mail, I received a notification from the DMV, asking me to send them $31 to renew my drivers license. Has it really been almost eight years since I was first able to drive around in a car without a supervisor? It’s hard to believe the all the changes that has happened to me since then; some for the better, some for worse. Starting from the “entitled” high schooler, to the “wide-eyed” college student, to the “confused” college student, every stop had its ups and downs.

As I reflect on my character over the past years, I see a lot of good things about myself. However, there are a couple things that I don’t think look very good. I have talked about this in previous entries, but laziness seems to have dragged me down during my college career. I’m not proud to admit it but I am currently a 6th year senior. Granted that I only needed to take one more class to graduate, previous to this year, I made many mistakes in not taking advantage of the time I had before.

However, there were a lot of good things that came out of my extended college journey. I met a lot of great people during my time at Pacific Union College, some I still go to for life advice. When I decided that I didn’t know what I wanted to do and that school was not what I needed, I moved to Portland, Oregon. There, I learned a little more about how to become a responsible adult by working, paying bills, and taking a few G.E. classes. I also learned how to change diapers, wake up in the middle of the night to put a child back to sleep, and wake up at dawn to make the babies bottle. When I came down to La Sierra University, I met someone who showed me that it is now time to buckle down and get into gear to move forward with my life.

Although it would have been conventional to realize my mistakes in my first year of college, I would do it all over again. The experiences I gained over the last six years were truly priceless and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.

2010 started off a bit rocky, but I like some of the changes I am seeing in myself so far. I pray that I keep going strong and that I achieve all the goals that I have set out for myself this year. I will not disappoint!

P.S. I’m sure you’ve all heard, but Haiti has been hit by another earthquake today. Please keep everyone there in your prayers and help out in any way you can.